All public events canceled in the USA because everyone did something bad once

Satire - USA Politics

In a shocking twist, scientists have confirmed that it’s impossible for people to change and learn from experience. “Once someone hears another rational point of view, our studies found that 100% of people from the USA are not capable of changing their opinion in every case,” said head of this groundbreaking scientific study Steve Smith. He continued, “We surveyed over 320 million people in the USA, and found that they both are physically incapable of changing their opinion past age 16, but that they also all did something bad once. Hence we’ve decided to cancel all public events in the USA and punish everyone in perpetuity.” This recommendation was forwarded to the attorney general who refused to change their mind since this is new information that existed after they turned 16. However, after an illegal immigrant who was able to enter the upper echelons of society pointed out that this would be fair, the attorney general reluctantly accepted. This same illegal immigrant was supported by some Americans even after a felony charge and an accusation that he was among one of the people who raped one of the estimated 80% of women coming to the USA illegally from Mexico.

“We found that people coming from Latin America, as long as they are illegally entering or staying in the country, are able to change as people as soon as they enter the USA, so it isn’t hypocritical to say any of these people won’t change when we hold celebrities and others around us to different standards,” added Steve Smith. He also stated that these people are innocent until proven guilty, and mentioned To Kill a Mockingbird and the story of the Salem Witch Trials as examples of why we should be steadfast in supporting innocent until proven guilty as long as the person isn’t American, white, and male. Some people would call that racist and sexist of this white male to hold people to different standards and expect less of other people just because of their sex or perceived race, however since Americans can’t change past age 16, and especially not after age 24, it will be impossible for them to figure that out otherwise and change.

Newly found possibly illegal immigrant 21 Savage will now be the presenter of all American events since he is allowed to change how he lives his life, and his viewpoints, whenever he wants without public penalty due to him being considered an outsider by the discerning public who totally aren’t prejudiced and treating the ‘others’ differently from people who they feel are in their group. However, these events will be on hold pending his possible return to the USA. “All of our American events might have to take place in the Dominican Republic or the UK if he isn’t allowed back in the USA,” stated Steve Smith.

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