CEO of eco-friendly brand not sure why saving terrifying things won’t entice people

Satire Satire - Environment

Brandy Meyer, the CEO of eco-friendly clothing brand We’re All Dead If We Don’t Save The Planet, can’t figure out why saving terrifying things that are far away isn’t enticing people to want to be inconvenienced as well as spend more to be eco-friendly. “In Svalbard, which is an island north of Norway, it’s illegal to go outside of the city limits of Longyearbyen without a gun because of polar bears. The gun industry must be thankful for this regulation, and that helps the economy,” said Brandy.

Terrifying apex predator of the arctic

In a similar way, she claims that even though blue whales could rupture the organs of a person and kill by humming with an open mouth, we should keep saving them. “Whaling is bad,” she said. When prompted for a reason, she said that she doesn’t know why, but she knows that customers get mad when she asks why so she figures they have a good reason.

Whale whale whale what do we have here.

Meanwhile, her brand’s clothes continue to be made in an overseas country with low wages, instead of being made locally. These clothes must be shipped across the pacific ocean to reach customers in the USA and Canada. If treated as a country, international shipping would have been the sixth largest emitter of energy-related CO2 in 2015, just above Germany (Olivier, Janssens-Maenhout, Muntean, & Peters, 2016) (https://www.theicct.org/sites/default/files/publications/Global-shipping-GHG-emissions-2013-2015_ICCT-Report_17102017_vF.pdf). When confronted with these facts, she stared but seemed vacant inside, and she said, “Bears and whales aren’t the only terrifying things we save, especially for people who question our motives.” The completely white bandaged mannequin behind her started screaming,  the lights started flickering, the signpost above it that said the company name, “We’re All Dead If We Don’t Save The Planet,” broke apart and all that was left hanging was, “We’re All Dead,” and it was then I noticed that one of the dolls that were in her collection to her left were missing. It was at this point I thanked her and left.

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