“It’s either me or the cockroaches,” says local spider.

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Local spider Jim McMurray said to his roommate that it’s either him or the cockroaches. “John needs to know that I have value and feelings too. I eat bugs like cockroaches that come into this place, and I deserve respect,” Jim said. In response to Jim’s statement, John put out a press release saying, “What kind of rent is that creepy as heck spider paying to live on that wall? That spider sees everything I do in my room, and I mean everything.”

Jim argues that the surveillance he carries out is to catch cockroaches, ants, and traitors to the cause of forced social justice. “We need the USA PATRIOT Act, and actions by spiders like me, to get the information of those that are against us. But the main ones against us are the cockroaches and ants,” Jim said. “Some people call me a social justice warrior, but I just want people to be equal. Why wouldn’t you trust me with your metadata?” Jim continued while looking at John.

John stated that not all spiders are creepy like Jim the surveillance spider. “Really, I’m glad that some non-venomous spiders are in my house, helping to take care of bugs,” he said. “But that surveillance spider just won’t mind their own business, and it thinks I’m racist for being white. But that spider is the racist for saying that! Why is the spider even talking? Why do I have talking spiders? All is chaos,” John continued. As of writing, most of the legislatures in the federal government still support the USA PATRIOT Act, which allows social justice warrior surveillance spiders like Jim to track your metadata should he ever gain political power.

What do you think? Should social justice warrior Jim the surveillance spider have access to your metadata if he gains political power? If you’d like to donate to help protect the internet, you can donate to the Electronic Frontier Foundation at https://www.eff.org.

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