Mayor unsure why heavy-breathing cyclists don’t want to use unsafe bike lane next to smog producing cars

Satire Satire - Urban Planning

A car driving mayor of a mid-size Mexican city is reportedly unsure why bicyclists aren’t enthused about the new bicycle lane painted next to where cars drive. “Cars are fantastic, absolutely the best, and everyone should use them,” enthused the mayor with a nervous demeanor and wide eyes. “If the bicyclists can’t breathe well from the smog, find our bicycle lanes in the middle of the road or directly besides vehicles unsafe, or they dress as a clown and they squeak as their body is thrown from their bikes, then they should try driving a car,” he continued in the most collected manner he could muster.

“No one needs a bicycle,” he said wide eyed with hands out to help make his point in a seemingly rehearsed and badly acted way, followed by an inaudible gulp and sweat rolling down his cheek.

Specific Foryonda, a car company which opened a car manufacturing plant on the outskirts of the city, said that since bicycles are so dangerous in the city due to government decisions, people should find another way to get around. Specific Foryonda, a company which accepted millions of dollars worth of tax credit from the city, also benevolently bought the local tram and bus lines from the city to help the city with its debt woes. The city government released a statement at the time which hailed this privatization as a way to help its debt while ensuring a profitable public transit system.

But the company closed the lines down reportedly due to it not being profitable enough after 1 hour of use after acquisition. During the entire hour the trams and buses were filled with hundreds of live goats, who made goat screams as the transportation made its way through its route. This was for marketing purposes the spokesperson explained. “We waited as long as we reasonably could for a profit. It just wasn’t profitable the entire time we ran the service, so to ensure profitability we closed the tram and bus lines down,” said the spokesperson for Specific Foryonda. They continued, “I hope that the people of this city find a way to get to where they need to go.”

We researched online and found a bicycle transport advocacy group for the city, however when reached for comment a spokesperson said that they are now using cars to get to meetings and could no longer sleep at night or look their loved ones in the face. When I asked the spokesperson what their loved ones said about this development, they said, “Goat screams. They’re all goats.” “Meh-eh-eh,” I replied out of both politeness and situational awareness of the conversation.

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