The important story of a Wisconsin man who can’t scroll to the footer of infinite news feed

Satire Satire - Tech

A current trend with news websites is to have an infinitely scrolling feed of news. A local Wisconsin man named Daryl Williams wants to contact a site he goes to that started doing this, however he’s unable to scroll to the footer where the contact form is. “I want to contact the website to tell them that my senator is the Singing Sword of Conaire Mór, who has accumulated enough flesh and power to seem human,” said Daryl. “It’s the only thing that makes sense,” he continued.

The Singing Sword of Conaire Mór was a legendary sword which helped the Celtic legendary high king of Ireland win in battle. The sword has never been seen in person, and Daryl argues that it’s because the sword took human form and is a current senator from Wisconsin. “The senator and the legendary Singing Sword of Conaire Mór have never been seen in the same room together,” explains Daryl. Indeed, no reports of the 2 together in the same room have ever been reported.

When confronted with this, the junior senator from Wisconsin denied the accusation. “This may stem from my studies of Celtic mythology at university in Ireland,” the senator said. When prompted to sing for us, he sang for us a song in Gaelic, a traditional Irish language. “See, that’s what I mean,” said Daryl when told about the senator’s singing. “Who else does that?” Daryl continued. Daryl says he’ll be convinced that the senator is not the legendary Singing Sword of Conaire Mór once they are pictured together. I informed him that him and the singing sword have never been pictured together, which at that point he gave a mortified look and stared at his hands while trembling.

As of writing, Daryl is still unable to contact the website to inform them of the senator’s alleged identity, due to the website’s infinite news feed. He also can’t contact the website to ask them to stop the infinite news feed so that he can scroll to the footer to find the contact link. As is contemporary tradition, opposition politicians are calling for the junior senator to resign without proof of the allegation being true or not following Daryl’s accusation in another publication. As of writing he denies being the Singing Sword of Conaire Mór.

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