The shocking story of how cows, pigs, and chickens are all conspiring to destroy the world

Satire Satire - Environment

Land is being cleared to make room for livestock in many areas of the world. This leads to habitat destruction, which means less potential animals to study for human medicinal purposes, and less plants to help clean the air and prevent soil erosion which can lead to flooding issues. “I’ve confirmed that cows, pigs, and chickens throughout the past 10,000 years have made themselves delicious so that humans will destroy forests and destroy the planet, which may cause the apocalypse,” said self-described animal interpreter Carl Willis. He translated what the animals say to me.

Moo means, “It’s not time for the apocalypse,” which they scream at irregular intervals to communicate this information to eachother. This is their prime communicative directive, and lets all cows know to keep the plan to destroy the world going. Legend has it that the cows will emit a high pitched, “Meep,” sound when the apocalypse arrives. The apocalypse arrives when the trees are gone and the planet is dieing. Clucks and oinks mean the same thing.

Have you ever heard a cow deny it wants to destroy the planet? Go ahead, ask one. The cow will play dumb, but behind its soulless eyes lays an evil the world has never witnessed, Carl described.

Lucy Miller, noted Cthulu worshiper, says that in the end Cthulu will reign over all animals and people, however the trees will be kept intact. “There will be 1000 years of terror and madness with the reign of Cthulu, however the apocalypse described by the cow interpreter will be staved off since people and animals are needed to rule over,” said Lucy.

Some people eat a bit less meat to help bring down demand of meat. Some people switch to eating bird meat instead of cow or pig meat, as birds such as chickens use less resources per pound or kilogram of meat. Some people go out to the woods and punch deer in the face then eat its meat raw, to help ease pressure on livestock raised on farms.

What do you think? Should we welcome Cthulu’s reign? Will people figure out a good balance between food resources and the environment? Comment below to let us know!

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3 years ago

Lucy Miller is at it again. xD But I’m going to decline Cthulu’s reign.