This is why you need suits.

Satire Satire - Business Satire - Video

To appease the richer among us, in the hopes of advancing in our career we often have to play by certain rules. One rule, thank goodness, is that people lower on the financial ladder have to spend a massive chunk of their paycheck to meet the logical dress standards of rich people. Do you only make $20,000 a year? Well, you better start saving for that fantastic $2000 bespoke suit, shirt, tie, and full grain leather shoe set. It’s fantastic that people are judged by their ability to buy these clothes, which are the most sensible clothes that give a sense of, “This is great value for my money.”

Judging people solely by their work ethic and ability to handle their limited resources well is bad practice, because successful people don’t have that limited of resources. Why would companies want to hire unsuccessful people with less resources? Suits help to weed these people out, who in no case could add to our talent pool if they don’t wear suits to our rational standards. Can you believe, the other day I saw a peasant who had his bottom button buttoned on his suit. What do they think that button is for? Impoverished amateur!

Just today an applicant had the nerve to come to an interview with a polyester and wool blend suit. Us C-suites laughed about how poor he must be. I asked Archibald, our COO, if he saw that shine on that beggar’s suit due to the polyester. He laughed and said he hasn’t rejected anything as fast as that destitute since the time some tramp came in and her hair was down. How could she not have known that people are incapable of interacting as mature adults when someone’s hair is down!? The hair covers the mouth as if it’s a hand suffocating the wearer. Also, cavepeople didn’t have their hair up, and employees need to be more evolved than cavepeople. It makes absolute sense for hair to be up, and if it’s not, I’ll lose my stuff because it doesn’t make sense at all why someone would have their hair down like an animal.

Luckily we also keep a database of which peasants get made to measure suits instead of bespoke suits, in collaboration with all the made to measure suit companies. Do you really think we’d let you get away with half the price for nearly the same looking thing? If we had to spend that money to get our suits, so do you. If people don’t get these affordable $2000 bespoke suits, they must not care enough to get the job. And if they don’t care, we’re not hiring them. So they need to go back to the box they crawled out of like the filthy, belt wearing gutterbabies they are, if they think they can get a job with us without a slim fitting suit that won’t account for muscle or fat gain. Do they want to do a bulking diet to gain muscle mass? If people are successful enough to get a job, getting a cheap $2000 bespoke suit will be no problem. Otherwise, they should keep eating grass and tree bark like all poor people like them do.

Overall, a bespoke suit to meet our reasonable and not pretentious standards is a great investment. It’s so much better than having savings, investing in the stock market, putting money into a retirement account, buying more expensive healthy food, and so forth. The suits should last many years and are durable. But don’t wash them like most clothes, because the $2000 to $30,000 and more price tag doesn’t mean it can survive a peasant wash. It needs further investment that the successful among us can afford like me, which is dry cleaning. And with that suit quality, even at the low end $2000 range, the suit will only get wrecked a little bit each time it’s dry cleaned. What a deal! Because when you pay $2000 for a piece of clothing, you are paying for long lasting quality. As you can see, our dress code standards are the most rational possible. People who want to only spend $50 on short sleeves and shorts they can wear during the summer instead of sensible long sleeve summer suits, and people who want to spend that little money on clothes and wash their beggar clothes in the peasant wash, can all stay poor while I’ll stay fashionable and reasonable in my suit this summer.

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