USA to adopt koban-style policing after it’s done policing the rest of the world

Satire Satire - USA Politics

The federal government of the USA spends more than the next 7 countries combined on military spending as of writing. The USA also has a huge need to address violence problems in its own country. The community policing style seen in many parts of Japan has been adopted in Brazil, Indonesia, Honduras, and more places, and is a way to bring down crime rates. You can read information about the koban system by clicking this text.

There are also yokai, which are supernatural monsters, that moved to the USA from Japan who are not in favor of this. “The police made it difficult for me to stay in Japan and people wanted me out,” said Kyoukotsu, a yokai which feeds solely on vengeance and causes fear to be felt by innocent victims. This yokai exists to spread pain because it feels bad, rather than working on itself and treating people well to increase its chances that others will treat it well. “I went to the USA to cause trouble and it’s easier to do that without the koban system in place,” it added. It asked for the banana I brought with me for lunch, I gave the banana to it, and it threw the banana on the ground. Its evil knows no bounds.

“We need funds to police the rest of the world,” said an unnamed government official. The USA government is over $21,000,000,000,000 ($21 trillion) in debt and this amount is increasing. “The federal government is already spending way more than it takes in, and we need to keep spending more on our underfunded military because explosions look cool from afar and we can’t make as many explosions in the USA without people complaining,” they continued. I was told that after the entire world has been policed and freedomed, the powers that be in the USA government then plan to fund a koban-style community policing system in the USA. With child-like wonder in his eyes, the government official added, “But first, I want to see what it looks like to nuke a volcano.”

Explosions are expensive, and this explosion effect which they called, “Super cool looking,” was cited as a reason the USA’s military keeps spending a lot of money that is not going towards policing and the criminal justice system, and it gets into conflicts abroad when the USA wasn’t attacked by those countries, such as Libya, Syria, Iraq, and so forth. Examples of things that enough people in the USA government think are more important to fund than community style policing programs like the koban system include using $24 million a year to keep up the sexist selective service system, which makes it so that only people born male in the USA have to sign up to potentially be drafted while people born female get all of the benefits of democracy without having to potentially sign their life away (a compromise that was made when women gained the right to vote in the USA), $2.5 million for a children’s cartoon, $183,750 for virtual reality to help children in China cross the street, over $20,000 to record ambient sounds in national parks, and so forth.

As of writing, my banana is still on the ground, and the yokai kicked the banana further away when I tried to pick it up. Rest in pepperoni, banana-san.

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