Washington DC is building a terrifying roller coaster for fast commuter rail to attract Amazon HQ2

Satire Satire - Urban Planning

In order to attract Amazon’s 2nd headquarters to Washington DC, where the CEO of Amazon has a second home worth over $30 million, the mayor of the city has an inspiring plan currently being built for a new high speed commuter rail line. Amazon’s 2nd headquarters is estimated to create over 50,000 jobs, and in order to attract Amazon cities need to be creative. In addition to the million of dollars of tax breaks the city wants to give Amazon that it wouldn’t afford small businesses, tax dollars that otherwise could go towards other public works like improving and repairing infrastructure in an already growing region, Washington DC has started building a terrifying roller coaster which will help to keep commuters on their toes while whisking them to their destination.

“When each train departs from each station on this new line, the train rockets up a 300-story high incline. Once at the top, without stopping it is flung over the hump and goes down at a steep but manageable angle,” the lead engineer, James Miller, said of this system. “The momentum will carry the passengers to their destination. Every station will need to have the car making an abrupt stop, and the friction from this stop will create electricity to help rocket the train up the next incline,” he added.

Every train station on this line will be created like this, and the builders want this to bring down travel time for commuters. The train line is expected to open after only 1 month of construction for the entire 200 mile (about 321 kilometers) commuter rail line. This short construction period is needed to help boost the city’s prospects for selection in preparation for the final decision by Amazon.

Many other cities across the USA have offered to give millions to billions of dollars worth of tax breaks to Amazon for Amazon’s 2nd headquarters to be located in their city, in addition to other creative incentives. Pittsburgh has offered to flood an old coal mine in the region with water so that Amazon has an underwater city for its HQ2, complete with fish that will provide a fresh source of food. Chicago has offered to open up a couple more schools, which is impressive given its high bond debt coupled with the tax breaks Chicago wants to give Amazon. Also Montgomery county, Maryland, one of 3 areas selected as one of the top 20 locations for Amazon’s HQ2 that are in the Washington DC metropolitan area, has benefited from Maryland’s state government approving $8.5 billion in incentives for Amazon, which is the largest amount in the state’s history. Part of this $8.5 billion incentive package may involve purchasing 100 adorable kittens for the CEO of Amazon, and as of writing this is the only potential kitten offer received by Amazon, which could propel Montgomery county to victory.

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