You won’t believe these 5 reasons why this man won’t vote in the primaries! (#4 is shocking!)

Satire Satire - USA Politics

1.) He’s a zombie and zombies are ineligible to vote.

Multiple states in the USA have been taking dead people off of their voter registration lists. Death is a reason that people are ineligible to vote, and since he’s a zombie who died once he can’t vote. While he still holds down a job and contributes taxes, he isn’t allowed to vote. The growing Zombie Voting Right Organization (ZVRO) is working to make zombies eligible for voting, as long as they can prove sentience. “Our primary platform is brains in office and brains for lunch,” said a ZVRO spokesperson.

2.) He must complete a 30 story tall labyrinth with ghosts throughout to get to the voting booth.

The legendary artificer Daedalus, of ancient Greek mythology, created a labyrinth so that only dedicated voters can vote in the primary. The labyrinth is filled with the cursed souls of people who chose the wrong religion. These souls were told that if they kill anyone in the labyrinth they will be released. This is a reason for zombies not being allowed to vote. They could just walk through and complete the course within mere months without having to worry about a ghost, given that they are already dead and without a soul. A representative for the secretary of state stated that if people are unwilling to complete this small barrier, then the voter must not really care that much and probably shouldn’t be voting in the first place.

3.) He and the voting booth are both ghosts.

Plot twist, he’s a ghost and so is the polling booth.

4.) His dog transcended physical form and turned into a demi-god dog made of pure electricity.

Electrifying! During his free time, he likes to learn about and cast spells out of the Necronomicon. Due to a small error in casting, and his dog running to him because the dog thought the treat sound was made, the dog was turned into an immortal demi-god made of pure electricity. Now this man must take extra precautions in the home, including wearing a rubber suit at home at all times, and he says this leads him to just be too busy to research the candidates and make it through the labyrinth.

5.) He doesn’t care that his vote could help indicate what platform the eventual winner might have to consider and possibly cater towards if they want to win in the future.

When candidates get higher voting numbers, even if they don’t win the eventual winner will understand that they might need to cater to a section of voters who believe in the platform of the other candidate if they want to win in the future. When people don’t vote then that is less of an opinion that the winning candidate has to consider if they want to keep their jobs. This man doesn’t care for that. As of writing he says he’s never contacted a politician to voice an opinion but still complains about their representative’s actions to friends and family.

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